I’m up this morning and for some reason I am heavy with tears. I opened my closet door and went through a big plastic storage bin I have to look for my Boys & Girls original club card from 15 years ago because our reunion is Saturday and I look at this. . .my Brother ZX-1900 Word Processor! THIS SAVED MY LIFE. . .literally. When I discovered that I can write, that my feelings didn’t have to stay boggled up inside and I CAN vent. . . my suicidal urges disappeared.
My fingers touched the letters and I begin to type out so much. . . .amazing stories that related to my life that I had no idea was inside of me. I became a CREATOR and the more I created the better my life got. I struggled with depression and suicidal urges well into my early 20’s but there was always a force holding me back from taking that final fatal slit, there was always something more and it was my will to write.
Writing is my destiny. . .I know it now because nothing saves my soul and makes it happier than when I sit down and begin to write. My mind creates images and characters and stories of people who are not real in a sense but go through real events like I did. I am proud of my writings and it’s okay that I’m crying as I type this because it’s happy tears. I get to go back to my Boys & Girls Club reunion and look at those who I grew up around and hug and laugh with them — I am still here, I am still alive and I wouldn’t be here if not for this thing right. . . my guardian. So much of my youth was spent laughing and joking at the Boys & Girls Club. I learned to express myself and my talents there and with this word processor I became somebody to myself. It still works. . . but I keep it as a momentum of my past and what I have overcome. When I look at this I see my life. . .I imagine the words flowing my mind onto my fingers onto this word processor.
I am crying so hard and clutching my heart because I see how far my pain took me. I am so thankful to be here today, to be alive and taking care of my son who gave me more life that I thought I could ever have.
Oh where would I be without my creativity.