Up Thinking. . . Yesterday at 1:30 am my grandmother (my last grandparent) passed away. She fought through two strokes, multiple internal issues, a fucked up family and then some. But yesterday she got tired and she let go-and I am thankful that she is finally in peace and she is no longer suffering. I lost my mother 2 years ago whose birthday was 11 days ago- she too fought hard for the life she lived. What’s amazing and what’s in this post is what those two women taught me that I did not see until they were not here for me to say, “I understand. I got it. Thank you.” But it’s alright. . .I think they know. . .
Lately, I’ve been watching these movies & TV shows that seem to be speaking directly to me. It’s been crazy the messages I hear & then get an eerie feeling because it’s how I felt or what I was thinking or wanted to say to someone.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to win two specific people in my life over. Loving them with EVERYTHING that I got hoping to get that love back in return and every time-nothing. I’m remembering the words my grandma said to me & I see what she meant now. I get it. I get what she saw & how she knew.
I’m so worried that I’ll end up alone because that’s how I grew up that I tried too hard to love people-even siblings-when grandma gave me the answer a long time ago. She stood in that doorway with that look on her face, that smile, those cheeks and when I said, “Na uhn grandma.” She said, “Yes my darlin’. I’m telling you what you need.” It was the first time I had a one on one with my grandma in a long time and one of my greatest memories of her.
I grew up a lonely, sad little girl- suicidal & angry-crying herself to sleep and doing everything I could to please my mom, my sister, & my friends-all in hopes that they would give me the least bit of love. But 12 years ago, my grandma gave me what I sought after-and I’m so sorry that it took me this long to see what she meant.
I can’t fight for something that’s not there but I can embrace and enjoy what is. My grandma told me that I needed somebody to love and that’s why I’d be pregnant next (and I was-tripped me out). She saw the sadness and the loneliness in my eyes and I thought I was invisible. I didn’t think anyone saw me-grandma SAW ME. Everybody thought I was crazy because I was timid and shy and quiet. No one, at that time, bothered to look a little past the layer I presented except my grandma. And to this day, a very few people truly know who I am-what I like, what makes me laugh- because everyone is still thinking I am that little quiet, shy, crazy Monique playing by herself in the corner-and it’s why they will never be any closer to me than they already aren’t.
It’s amazing the little things you remember & keep with you in your heart until it’s forced front and center. It’s amazing how the past can heal you. I didn’t get to spend the time that I wanted to with my grandma but I am lucky to have that one moment 12 years ago that no one else had but she and I because that one talk-that one day-changed my life forever.
I have an amazing kid who loves me and thinks I am the best thing in the world and I spent time trying to be that to other people because I thought I needed their love when I didn’t. Sometimes we are far richer than we know. Because of my mother and my grandmother, my son is the best damn gift I could have ever gotten in life. He is everything right in a world that I thought was so wrong. He turned me into a woman. He made me love myself and gave me a reason to live. He turned me into someone that no longer needed someone to love because she has some to love her.
To whoever is reading this, don’t do what I did. Don’t spend a lifetime or half or part of it loving people who cannot see you for who you are or appreciate you for what you have given them (which is your heart). It’s sacred and we give it to too many people far too often. Don’t end up questioning yourself and wondering what you did wrong to people who don’t see you. Don’t end up shaming yourself for failing to get the love of those whom doesn’t deserve it. Because if you are like me, you have a huge heart, you are intelligent, funny, outgoing, and you love life but maybe sometimes you don’t show it. Maybe sometimes you hide it from people, hide it behind anger or fear because that’s all you know. If that’s you-like I used to be- stop it. Smile. Enjoy life. Let those old wounds heal.
My mother’s death weighs heavy on my heart (and now my grandmothers). I miss that damn woman so much and yet I neglected to love her like I should have when she was here. But I didn’t know how. I neglected to be the granddaughter I wanted to be because I didn’t know how. I secluded myself; shut myself off because that’s what I knew how to do. It takes time to learn to open yourself up to people, I’ll be the first to admit that but when you do-cautiously-the feeling you get is unmeasurable. The two people I love (because I still do) they have helped me heal and they don’t even know it. I want to thank them but they don’t deserve the thanks because they didn’t earn it. I can only wish that they can do what I did-open themselves-and I hope that they find all the happiness that I have earned because joy is a great feeling.
oh the lessons we learn when we least expect to learn anything. . .
Thank You Grandma Fannie for the Wisdom
Thank You Mom for allowing me to find myself at my own pace